A landmark study from the Global Institute of Very Serious Science has concluded, after years of rigorous testing, that one Maltese named Balto has achieved a perfect score on every known scale of adorableness — largely thanks to a sideways tongue.
For decades, scientists have argued about the greatest mysteries of the universe: dark matter, black holes, and why socks disappear in the dryer. But none of those questions, researchers now admit, were quite as important as the one finally answered last month: Which dog is the cutest dog in the entire world?
The answer is Balto. He is a Maltese. He has no teeth. And his little pink tongue hangs out of the left side of his mouth at all times — like a tiny, moist flag of joy planted on the face of the world's greatest dog.
The study used a measurement system called the Canine Adorableness Rating Protocol — or CARP. The team chose that name before realizing it was also a type of fish. "We considered renaming it," said lead researcher Dr. A. Labrador, "but we had already printed 400 T-shirts."
Scroll to the bottom to see Balto receiving his award.
Due to the complete absence of teeth, Balto's tongue has found its own path in life — drifting to the left side of his mouth like a dog who just doesn't have a care in the world. Which, to be fair, he doesn't. He is a small white dog who gets carried everywhere. Researchers measured the tongue's angle at precisely 34 degrees from center, then argued about whether that was the cutest possible angle for 45 minutes. "It is," confirmed Dr. Labrador. "We ran the numbers."
The study was not without critics. Dr. B. Schnauzer of the University of Hamburg insisted his German Shepherd, Hercules, was more impressive. Hercules was brought in for testing. He knocked over two lab tables, ate a clipboard, and barked at the equipment for eleven minutes. He did not make the top 500.
The results were independently verified by three separate laboratories and one group of third-graders asked to rate dogs from one to ten. Balto received the highest score ever recorded: an eleven. One grumpy cat, when shown a photo, offered a slow blink — which in cat language means roughly the same thing as "awwww."
Balto himself, when informed of his achievement, yawned, turned in a small circle, and went back to sleep — tongue still hanging sideways — blissfully unaware that he is, by every scientific measure available, the cutest dog in the whole world.
Wait — Balto is actually in a kids' ministry curriculum?
Yep. This is where things get fun. Balto isn't just the world's cutest dog and an April Fool's Day science legend. He also makes a cameo appearance in Spyence Season 8, Episode 5 — a spy-themed children's ministry curriculum that teaches big theology to elementary-age kids through science experiments, storytelling, and adventure.
In Episode 5, Emily is guarding Spyence Headquarters and the Secret Plans Computer Room all by hereself. The evil robot named "The Devastator" uses Balto as a distraction to so he can catch Emily off guard. (Classic villain move. Balto doesn't even know he's being used. He's just standing there with his tongue out.)
Emily outsmarts The Devastator by pretending Balto is a cat, short-circuiting the robot's logic circuits and thwarting his evil plan.
The other Spyentists were worried about Emily guarding Spyence HQ all by herself, but Secret Agent K reminds them that God was with her all along. They learn a lesson about God's omnipresence from Psalm 139.
It's the kind of moment that makes kids go, wait — that's actually really cool. Which is exactly the effect that great theology is supposed to have on us.
Season 8: The Attributes of God
Season 8 takes kids on a mission to discover who God really is – not just what He does, but what He's like. Each episode pairs a spy-story adventure with a hands-on science experiment that makes one of God's attributes unforgettable.
- Designed for elementary-age kids (K–5th grade)
- Volunteer-friendly — leaders need zero science background
- Blends systematic theology with experiments, games, and storytelling
- Episode 5: God's omnipresence — taught through a Maltese with a sideways tongue and a very bad villain plan
If you want your kids to know God deeply — and remember it — this is the curriculum for that.
Check Out Spyence Season 8 →